Since the first of January, we have moved again (back into our home), I was laid off from my comfortable work-at-home job and now have a new job, a real world, out among the land of the living job (which means I actually have to get out of my pajamas and wear normal every day clothes), and also, some of my relationships have changed, even within the last few weeks. Talk about new beginnings... I feel like I am living a brand new life.
The most important relationship that has changed is the one with my oldest son. My heart. I knew this year was going to be different in many ways, but I never thought I would be starting over with my son, like starting from a new, clean slate, learning how to begin a NEW relationship with him.
Colby just turned 13 in November. Yep, he's a teenager. And along with having to deal with teenage emotions and the middle school life that most of us would love to forget about, he struggles with ADD inattentive type, diagnosed when he was in 3rd grade. It is something that he struggles with daily. He has been on and off different medications since 3rd grade. Once he got into 6th grade, he didn't want to take it anymore. He didn't want to be different. I searched and searched for non-medicated ways to deal with ADD and I found Advocare Spark, a daily "energy drink" that has worked wonders for him, but I will leave the rest of that story for another blog. :-)
Colby and I are very different. The way we think is different. We tend to butt heads and we get very angry with each other.
I feel very guilty when it comes to him. Since he was diagnosed with this, I think I have treated this more like a burden than something that is just a part of him. I have treated him like something I have to "deal with" instead of help. It quickly became something that stressed ME out instead of something that I had to look past and just love him. This obviously put a hitch in our relationship.
Our relationship was becoming harder and harder, not just because of the ADD, but also because of the changes that come with being a teenager/having a teenage kid. Then, on New Year's Eve, he did something to one of his siblings, picked on them, and I honestly can't even remember what it was because it just wasn't a big deal... and I lost it. I blew up at him, yelled at him and sent him to bed at 11:30 PM. I ruined our family's New Year's Eve together because of my anger.
My husband told me that night that if I didn't try to change my relationship with Colby and make it better that he would end up not having a relationship with me when he got older. And he was right.
I've treated Colby like something I had to fix or deal with for so long that my mother/son relationship with him had gone south.
Now don't get me wrong. This kid is my heart. He changed me. The day he was born I was suddenly a new person. A better person. A caring person. A loving person. I never knew I could love someone so much that I just met. You moms know what I'm talking about. He had a little cone head and his lips were swollen, he was red and wrinkled and had this shrill cry that would scare Bigfoot away, and had caused me excruciating, unbelievable pain on his way into this world, but he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. This blessing. This miracle.
I made the decision on that New Year's Eve to change our relationship for the better. To change how I looked at him. To change how I treated him. God has put him in my life and made him the way he is for a reason. I had to start over with him. I had to put forth an effort to HAVE a relationship with him, one that he would look back on and remember with love, not one that he would look back on and think of with disappointment.
God gave me this awesome kid. He loves history. He loves superheroes and comic books. He loves running. He loves Sonic video games. He loves movies about war and old westerns. He loves to read. He is sensitive and loves his friends. He always has a joke to tell. I have no words to describe how much I love him, but God loves him so much more than I do, and He has given him to me to love and teach. I've been entrusted with him and I want to do the best I can.
So I'm starting over. I'm learning how to be calm and more understanding of him. I'm learning to be patient with him. I'm learning how to deal with his struggles better and in a kinder, gentler way.
I realized that I need to have something in common with him, something we can do together, so we ran our first 5K together and it was so much fun. I can't wait for our next one. I want him to realize that I WANT to do things WITH HIM.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Odd Life of Timothy Green"? I love that movie. It really reminds me of Colby in so many ways. Check out this scene.
Colby is so this kid. Noticing how awesome the sun feels when he should be paying attention to the game (granted, this kid doesn't have ADD... he is actually taking in the sun because he grows leaves on his legs like he's a plant, but you get my point). And I am so that mom. "I am the mom of that!!!" And then Timothy kicks the soccer ball into the other team's goal, like he wasn't paying attention.
How hard it is on a child when they do things like that over and over because their brain won't let them focus. It is our job as parents to still be proud and say "I am the mom of that!" even when our kids make mistakes or do disappointing things. They are already disappointed enough in themselves. They don't always need to hear about it from us.
How wonderful that we can always start over, fresh and new. That is a gift from God. His grace and love are always there, ready and available. He's always there, waiting for us to come back if we have strayed. That's how we should be with our kids, these little people that God has blessed us with. Every day is a new day. We can always move past the things we are not proud of and push forward to new beginnings, a clean slate.
Please pray for me as I step into this new chapter of motherhood called the teenage years. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but oh so worth it because I get to call this kid "mine".
