Being good

I spent the first part of my Mother's Day feeling ill.  My family was inside the church at Sunday school and I was sitting in my van with the AC blasting, hoping the sick to my stomach feeling would pass so that I could join them, but it didn't.  And that's okay, because I did some thinking.  I thought about how much I have "failed" as a mom lately.  I couldn't remember the last time I cooked a decent meal.  I couldn't remember the last time I sat down with my kids and looked over their homework with them.  I couldn't remember the last time I prayed with them.

That mommy guilt is always there, isn't it?  It's always so easy to go to that place.  Life gets busy, and trust me, as they get older, it doesn't slow down.  And it leaves me feeling tired and beat down.  When they were smaller, I thought we were busy then, but boy was I wrong.  I am in awe of mothers who work full-time and still seem to have their home life in check.  I work part-time and between that, my husband's crazy schedule, tennis, track, basketball, baseball, band, church and the many, many other hats we wear, I just can't seem to get a grasp on things at home.  I'm sure one day I will… ya know, when the kids are gone and have lives of their own… and then I'll be crying… and bored… wishing for something to do or someone to need me. 

As I sat in my van this morning, I had this thought, "I have to be better so that they can be better."  That's a true statement, correct?  That's what we do as parents.  Try to be our best selves so that our kids see good examples in us. We try to be a good Christian, a good parent, a good spouse, a good friend, a good daughter/daughter-in-law, a good steward, a good housekeeper, a good driver, a good cook, and many other good things.  "Good" people.

It can get very overwhelming at times.

What is good, exactly?  Is it having all the laundry done or having the best looking yard on the block or 

having the house immaculately clean when company shows up unannounced?  Well, yeah, it can be. OR is it watching the sunset on the beach, spending the day with your favorite people, or hearing God speak to you in a gentle way during your quiet time with Him?  Now those are good things.  

  

The thing is, I am thinking about it all wrong.  I don't have to be "good" or "good enough".  I don't have to compare myself to others.  I don't have to feel guilty.  I am loved by God, by my kids, by my husband.  Do I have to try and do my best?  Yes, because I want to do my best and be my best for the ones I love and the ones who love me.  Do I have to feel guilty when I don't?  Nope. 

Like I've said before, every day is a new day and a new beginning, another chance to try.  Some days we will fail, but other days we won't.  There will be hard times and bad things that happen, but there will be GOOD things that happen, too.     

Like my 13-year-old son holding the door open for me.

Like my 11-year-old daughter telling me what's going on in her world because she trusts me and wants my opinion.

Like my 7-year-old son hugging me and saying, "I love you, mom." 

Like when I hear my kids say that they love the Lord and want to go to heaven.

Now that's good.  That's the "good" stuff.

I must be doing something right.  Did you read that?  I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT.  Yeah, I don't always have a nutritious meal sitting on the table for my kids.  I don't always say the right thing.  I don't always read my youngest a bedtime story.  I don't always make up the beds, have the laundry done and the house clean.  BUT, there are times when I do.  And forgiving myself for the times when I don't is key.  

When I start seeing the "good" things that are happening, that's what will make me "good".  Not good as in morally right or approved of, but good as in… well. 

Happy Mother's Day.